I defeated Myself, To Get Myself Back Up

Where it all Started

These past four years of my life went so quick, that I feel I have blinked and missed it all. I started University, got my first job, graduated and went full time. But in between all that I went through so many ups and downs, well mostly downs that I felt I didn’t achieve anything. I wished I could go back and do them again.

I graduated from university by the skin of my teeth, hell if it weren’t for a few of my friends and my brother in law, I probably wouldn’t have. University wasn’t for me, but I didn’t know that, all I knew was university, well my parents said so anyway. Actually go deeper than that, it all really started when I finished secondary school, I went into college picking courses that weren’t right for me, I wasted a year and had to do a do over. But even that do over I wish I did over, I never took the initiative when I was younger and I let others decide my path or push me towards one because I was too lazy to think on my own.

Realisation

I realised that when I finished university, if you want to make something of yourself you need to do it for yourself. Somehow I got myself a job in IT, which happened to be the field I graduated in. Not only that, it was in a nice office in a big company that was just round the block for me. Things looking up right? WRONG! This was only one small step forward, I have a lot more steps that I needed to take. I joined the gym, because as a kid I wanted to grow up and be that chiselled guy that everyone looks at. For sure, the first couple months I was consistent, I would be going five days a week straight after work and busting my gut for a couple hours. I even watched my diet too. Progress was slow, and as the months went on, it became all monotonous to me. I started thinking to myself, am I really going to be that generic guy, who works in an office and works out a few days a week. What else?

I have a passion for technology and games, and I wanted the world to know about it. But I was too shy to make videos or have the resources to make them. So I opted to start a blog, but again I was too shy to share it and I silently went about writing blogs for a few months. Every now and then someone would read it, and if I was lucky someone would like it. But again this got monotonous too.

Relapse

A year had went since I graduated, and I wasn’t that chiselled guy, I stopped blogging, my diet was out the window and all I was doing was working. Nothing felt really right for me, nothing was working, my mood was low and even my parents started noticing a change in my behaviour. I needed a change in scenery, took a few days off to Amsterdam. Prior to that I went to see a doctor, and he said I have depression. He gave me a leaflet with a number to call. Which I did after returning from Amsterdam, they arranged a telephone interview for me. However on the day, the person who was going to interview me fell sick. They notified me by text, and asked to ring a number to re arrange. I thought great another setback, life just doesn’t want me to win. I even took two sick days off work, because I just couldn’t be bothered anymore.

I questioned my life, I thought why do I even bother waking up in the morning. Yes Im working and giving money to my mum each month, so we can save up for a new house. But what then? Get married and have kids? I don’t even know if that will happen, my last girlfriend left me for another guy and this was back when I was 17. I met fell in love with another girl, but she in love with someone else. So there just more pain to bury… Screw it just leave this world man, it doesn’t want you. Thats what I felt.

Recovery

But one night, I realised it wasn’t the world that is against me. It was me, I did not want to succeed anymore. I did not want to go that extra extra mile and reach out, I wasn’t reacting to setbacks. Life will put me down, it has put me down a lot. But what buried me six feet under, was me. I have a career to work on, where I want to develop and make a name for myself within my company. I want to travel the world, I want to help those in Palestine. I have been sponsoring an orphan from there for the last four years. One day I want to meet her, she says she wants to be a teacher and I want to help her achieve those dreams. I may not be able to control everything in my life, but these things I can. But my mind said I will not.

So, I started stepping up at work. Got more involved and gained more responsibilities. I started to give a damn about what I was doing there, I changed my shift to 8-4 so I get an extra hour in the day. I go straight to the gym and pump some iron. So I can come home, have my dinner and relax. Start setting myself some objectives. I researched how to train for better results, I have changed my diet completely to maximise my gains.

I think more positive now, I started writing my blogs again. Even picked up a pencil and started drawing again too.

Drawing actually gives me peace.
Drawing actually gives me peace.

Getting it Together

I have enrolled on a course to help further boost my knowledge in skills in IT to help me progress in my career.

The past is the past, and my mind was letting me define it. I an not going to let it shape who I am, I still feel depressed from time to time. But 12 weeks on since the doctor told me I was. I am not only physically in better shape, but mentally I am stronger.

My face is no longer fat, I am eating good food, not just lazing around in bed or on my phone all the time. I actually have a weekly plan and schedule what I do.

2017 is around the corner, and this time next year. I will say how much forward I have moved. I told myself screw you, I am going to make something of myself, and I will damn near get every ounce of energy and resolve I have to get it.

It Starts Now

“It aint about how hard you can hit, its about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward”

These are the words I live by, and quite naturally they come from my favourite Movie series of all time (Rocky series). I am ready for more setbacks, but this time I am ignoring that person in side me that tells me to give in and just watch some Netflix. He is being ignored, instead I am grinding and I will not stop grinding till I achieve my goals.

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